Sublime Foodie

A site for food, crafts, art, photography, and all my favorite things!

We Got Chickens… October 3, 2013

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This summer Andrew and I had the bright idea to get chickens. They are meat birds and would only take us 8 weeks to raise and then we slaughter them and we feast. I have to say, worst 8 weeks if my life. Not only were we completely unprepared both mentally and physically, but we also were not prepared for the stench that would wreak havoc on our home forever. We really never got rid if the stink, partially because we were stupid enough to put them inside until they were old enough for the outside coop and partially because the bottom of the homemade brooder was made of Chip board/osb and the piss and shit that accumulated over the few weeks was heavy and broke the bottom right out of it. This in turn allowed it to seep into the laminate flooring. Not to mention the feather dust that gets all over EVERYTHING and never goes away. We also misjudged the distance of the heat lamp and temperature of the room and almost cooked the poor little guys alive! Once we got them outside we attempted to clean the room up, however months later I’m still haunted by large amounts of feather dust in unexplainable areas of my home. As cute as they were, it wasn’t worth the trouble. If we do it again we will be keeping the little bastards outside. Their cuteness never made me even the slightest bit sad to slaughter those bitches as soon as possible. We were happy to see them go. Outside wasn’t much better. The coop was built in the middle of our yard and we planned on moving it, however it weighed much more than we had anticipated and were not able to move it. Now we had a giant chicken coop smack dab in the middle if the yard stinking up the whole damn place. The fatter the chickens got, the more unbearable the stench. Then that fateful day finally came and a were packing the fuckers into the truck for slaughtering. Happiest day of our lives. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but I was excited to try the meat and get rid of them. We get to the place and back up to the lean to on the side if the building. Watching the lady take the chickens out if the truck was both disgusting and shocking. She reached over the side, muckled onto the scrawny little legs and hauled them over the side, all the while flapping and screeching and shit flying everywhere. It was not a pretty sight. She then proceeded to hang them upside down by their feet over something that can only be described as a giant tub. Once the rack was full of hanging chickens a gigantic man covered in blood hobbled over, picked up an electric saw, similar to a sawzall, and in one swift motion sliced each chickens neck. Blood poured out into the tub. It was ridiculous. After draining for a few minutes they unhooked them and threw them into a big 55 gallon drum. All the while we stood and watched completely unable to walk away from the situation. When all of our chickens were done, we went around to wait for them to be plucked and bagged before we could pay and leave. As happy as I was to see them go, I didn’t necessarily want to watch. Although, I’m glad I saw how it happens, I probably won’t watch next time. When we left for home we put them directly into the freezer, completely unaware that they needed to hang for 24 hours to tenderize. We ate our first chicken that night and I have never in my life had anything that tough. It was horrible!!! We were nervous that all of our chickens would be that tough, so I went out and purchased a crockpot so that I could cook them low and slow with a lot of liquid. I was hoping this would save our 25 chickens and at least make them fairly edible. Next time we will do a lot of things differently, if there even is a next time. We had them slaughtered months ago and our yard still stinks!

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Look at that little guy. Don’t be fooled by his cuteness. He’s the devil.

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Zip Lining, The Most Terrifying Experience Of My Life. October 1, 2013

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This is a photo of my husband and I on our second anniversary. For some reason, we decided that going zip lining would be a fun activity for two people with a fear of heights and a massive hangover. In case you were wondering, the only reason we thought we should drink heavily before an early day of zip lining was because these two dumbasses chose to get married the day after my birthday. Now, every year on my birthday I’m supposed to be mindful of the following day’s festivities. Not to mention that my birthday fell on a Friday this year, (Yes, Friday the 13th) so we had Friday night and Saturday night to celebrate. Now we are both forced to be obnoxiously hungover on our anniversary, yet still feel pressured to do something fantastic. Great idea, huh? Anyways, we got lost trying to find the mountain, yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds, and ended up being late and holding up the entire group. I was hoping to lay low in my drunken stupor, however, walking up to a group full of angry, pre-harnessed, impatient sheriff’s was not my idea of laying low. We then proceeded to wander around looking for the desk to check in and sign a waiver, (which immediately made me nauseous) and then the instructors offered to dress us since we had already held up the group and it was clearly time to go. After apologizing and making some lame ass jokes we proceeded towards the chairlift of death. I hate chairlifts, whenever I used to go skiing or snowboarding or whatever I used to do at these places I would ride the T lift because it didn’t involve being dragged up hill by rotten wood and flimsy cables. In this scenario, the T lift doesn’t exist and we were already a nuisance. So I bit my tongue and slithered into my seat with every ounce of willpower I had. Every time that stupid rotten chair went by a post and over the rolling things it felt like we were about to collapse. It was ridiculous. The next day I was telling a friend about the experience and she informed me that a few years ago that very chair lift had collapsed with people on it and they just stuck that thing right back up. I’m really glad I wasn’t told this little parcel of information before my death ride up the mountain. When we reached the top I practically pushed Andrew off trying to get back to level ground. We hiked a little ways and made it to our first line. This, was extremely nerve wracking for us, however the mood was lightened by the men kneeling crotch level and tightening our harnesses…Andrew’s pants must have shot up a mile revealing his bare ankles. Hilarious. Unfortunately, I did not get a photo of this particular sight because I was busy watching our friend Brandon making awkward small talk with the man tightening his harness. So we got in line and they starting hurling people off the platform. It was crazy and scary and I thought I was going to puke. I let most everybody go ahead of me and when it was my turn I reluctantly left Andrew’s side and forced myself up the stairs. They hooked me up and said, “whenever you are ready”. I walked up to the edge, bent my knees, and waited. I felt like i probably looked as if I was trying to shit with the awkward stance. The lady leaned over and said, “I said, whenever you are ready”. At this point I was terrified and frustrated and yelled back at her that I wasn’t fucking ready yet. Eventually I slid off the edge and went flying across the river to the other side. I was going a million miles per hour when it flipped me around so I was coming up to the platform back to and completely blind. Once my legs slammed against the platform I figured I was there. The instructor enthusiastically asked if I loved it with a big goofy grin on his face. Of course, I responded with an equally enthusiastic, ” HELL YES THAT WAS FANTASTIC!!!!”. I turned around and gave Andrew a big toothy grin and thumbs up, which I’m quite positive he didn’t see. And watched him come flying towards me with a look on his face that I could never describe. It was a cross between terror, excitement, and possibly shitting his pants. I’m sure, it was exactly how my face looked minutes before, which I confirmed when our friends Jenny and Brandon showed us the very flattering videos they took while I was flying through the air. Much to my surprise, zip lining was actually quite delightful. I didn’t need to wait 20 minutes the next 6 platforms I practically ran off. Andrew had a blast as well, however he wouldn’t admit the fear he had on that first line. For anyone afraid to go zip lining I have a few things to say to you:

1. Do not drink the day before or of your zip lining adventure.

2. Do not let the fear stop you, it’s really fun and not at all scary once you get past the chair lift of death.

That is all.

I would like to add one last picture of us on the chair lift so everyone can see how terrifying it was, and also a photo of us when we first got there. I’m pretty sure the instructor in the background is talking shit about us. Enjoy.

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